Q: Why is the order all messed up? 1 vs. 16, 7 vs. 8 and so on.
A: I am following the same order as the NCAA March Madness bracket, which is set up this way to try to ensure that if the #1 and #2 seeds keep winning, they won’t face each other until the last possible match-up.
Q: Why isn’t
A: The list was chosen by my own personal opinion. For example, I do not play a whole lot of console first-person shooters, that’s why Master Chief isn’t present.
Q: Why do you have (BLANK)
A: Yes, I am an idiot, but that’s not the point. Again this is my choice for who wins and loses. That’s the beauty of writing something like this. You get to express your opinions and have everyone disagree with them.
Sony Region – First Round
1) Cloud from the Final Fantasy VII series vs. 16) Thumper from the Twisted Metal series
Cloud is a master of swordplay. It doesn’t take him long before he reduces Thumper to a smoking pile of “Twisted Metal.”
8) Mario from the Super Mario series vs. 9) Solid Snake from the Metal Gear series
Snake hides in the shadows until Mario nonchalantly waltzes by. Snake emerges from the shadows and dispenses Mario with one quick flick of his wrists around Mario’s neck.
5) Katamari from the Katamari Damacy series vs. 12) Bucky Lasek from the Tony Hawk Pro Skater series
Katamari has little trouble rolling over and collecting Bucky Lasek and his skateboard as well as all of the spectators that are there to watch the bout.
4) Luigi from the Super Mario series vs. 13) Bently Bear from Crystal Castles
Luigi pops a fire flower and burns Bently in a hellish inferno.
6) The Black Knight from World of Warcraft vs. 11) Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto 4
Niko appears in the arena of the Argent Tournament disoriented and unarmed. The Black Knight sits back and allows his ghoul to rip Niko to bits.
3) The Prince of Persia from The Prince of Persia vs. 14) Rhindle from Adventure
The Prince of Persia is both quick and has a sharp blade, which comes in very handy when he defeats Rhindle quickly and quietly.
7) Loco Roco from the Loco Roco series vs. 10) Jack Cayman from MadWorld
Loco Roco may be able to squeeze himself into extra small spaces, but Cayman’s chainsaw is still able to break him down into tiny bits.
2) Ezio from Assassin’s Creed 2 vs. 15) Krusty the Clown from Krusty’s Fun House
Krusty attempts to flee from battle but Ezio is able to take him out with one throwing knife.
Nintendo Region – First Round
1) Sephiroth from the Final Fantasy VII series vs. 16) Siegfreid from the Soul series
Pound for pound this is a rather compelling match. Both are skilled swordsmen but only Sephiroth has the cunning to advance.
8) Square from Adventure vs. 9) Scorpion from the Mortal Kombat series
Square’s very small size can’t protect him from Scorpion’s harpoon. Plus he is without his dagger so he has no means of attacking back.
5) Polterguy from Haunting vs. 12) Knuckles from the Sonic series
Polterguy jumps in and out of random objects around the battlefield, frightening Knuckles and causing him to flee the scene leaving only a trail of urine in his wake.
4) Captain Olimar from the Pikmin series vs. 13) Willie DeWitt from Bucky O’Hare
Willie DeWitt’s charged up energy gun is no match for an alien who can only command the loyalty of flowers.
6) Toe Jam from the ToeJam and Earl series vs. 11) Super Monkey from Bloons Tower Defense 3
Super Monkey has a slight advantage since he has an unlimited amount of darts to throw. What he isn’t expecting is ToeJam to break out a Funk-Vac.
3) Meta Knight from the Kirby series vs. 14) Michael from Maniac Mansion
Michael’s film developing skills are no match for Meta Knight’s sword skills and agility.
7) John Starks from NBA Jam TE vs. 10) Daxter from the Jak (and Daxter) series
Daxter’s history of being used as Jak’s weapon allows him to take a barrage of basketballs off the head. He wears down John Starks and unexpectedly takes him out with a rifle.
2) Kirby from the Kirby series vs. 15) Kurt Cobain formerly from Guitar Hero 5
Shortly after typing in “Cobain” my cell phone received a call from Courtney Love’s lawyer… Kirby wins by default.
Microsoft Region – First Round
1) Night Elf Boomkin from World of Warcraft vs. 16) The Purple Tentacle from Maniac Mansion
A few shots of Moonfire turn the Purple Tentacle into a pile of purple goo.
8) Earl from the ToeJam & Earl series vs. 9) Football Zombie from Plants vs. Zombies
Earl never gets a chance to capture the Football Zombie before he’s lying lifeless on the ground without a brain.
5) Gattling Pea from Plants vs. Zombies vs. 12) Yoshi from the Super Mario series
Yoshi’s quick tongue action can only hold off the almost constant flow of peas the Gattling Pea can dish out. If the Gattling Pea can hold off a horde of zombies, Yoshi offers little challenge.
4) Earthworm Jim from the Earthworm Jim series vs. 13) Mini Cooper S from Project Gotham Racing 2
Earthworm Jim uses his head as a plug on the tailpipe of the Mini, causing it to sputter around until it stalls out. Axel Foley cackles manically in the background.
6) Worms from the Worms series vs. 11) Magnet Shroom from Plants vs. Zombies
Magnet Shroom draws all the Worms weapons away but without any offensive abilities of his own, he just sits there helplessly as the Worms uppercut, fire punch and prod him to death.
3) Professor Layton from the Professor Layton series vs. 14) The Spitter from Left 4 Dead 2
It only takes a portion of Layton’s cunning to realize he can survive if he avoids the Spitter’s acid.
7) Tarren Ghost from the Starcraft series vs. 10) Hogger from World of Warcraft
Hogger’s level 11 elite status means nothing when he hears “Nuclear launch detected…”
2) Cactuar from the Final Fantasy series vs. 15) Starfy from The Legendary Starfy
Starfy can only handle a few shots from Cactuar before he is defeated in a very decisive manner.
PC Region – First Round
16a) Blood Elves from World of Warcraft vs. 16b) Tiger Woods from the Tiger Woods PGA Tour series
All Blood Elves look enough like women that Tiger Woods is distracted by their “beauty” allowing them to steal the match.
1) Mega Man from the Mega Man series vs. 16) Blood Elves
The Blood Elves feminine looks do nothing to a half boy, half robot. Mega Man wins easily since all Blood Elves know how to do is stand with all their weight on one foot.
8) Trevor Belmont from Castlevania: Curse of Darkness vs. 9) Sonic from the Sonic series
Trevor, who is used to tackling ghosts, zombies, vampires and other mythical creatures, dispatches Sonic with one crack of his whip-chain.
5The Lich King from World of Warcraft vs. 12) The Sims Me from the Sims series
The Sims Me has no weapons or special powers of any kind. The Lich King just unleashes an army of undead to finish me off.
4) Link from the Legend of Zelda series vs. 13) The Zuma Frog from the Zuma series
The Zuma frog’s little colorful balls are easily reflected by Link’s shield, allowing Link to get close enough to lop Zuma Frog’s head clean off.
6) UFO from the Kirby series vs. 11) Tidus from Final Fantasy X
UFO’s powered up super-star attack is too much for Tidus to handle when he doesn’t have Yuna there to heal him.
3) Bahamut from the Final Fantasy series vs. 14) Flo from the Diner Dash series
After Flo fears missing too many work days if she is seriously injured during battle, she forfeits the match and allows Bahamut to prepare for the next round.
7) Dr. Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters the Video Game vs. 10) TVR Cerbera 12 Speed from Project Gotham Racing 2
Since a Cerbera is neither a ghost nor human, it is enough immune to a proton pack as well as Venkman’s charm that it races away with the victory.
2) Diablo from the Diablo series vs. 15) Donatello from TMNT 2: The Arcade Game
Donatello’s staff is no match for Diablo as he gets cooked up into a delicious soup.
Sony Region – Round 2
1) Cloud vs. 9) Solid Snake
Cloud enters the arena with Snake no where in sight. Out of frustration, cloud slices his sword through the only thing he can find, a cardboard box, which for some reason Snake is hiding inside.
5) Katamari vs. 4) Luigi
Luigi takes out his vacuum from Luigi’s Mansion and begins to sweep off all the objects stuck onto the Katamari. Once it is too small to collect him he jumps on top, squishing it, then he continues on his journey.
6) The Black Knight vs. 3) The Prince of Persia
The Black Knight has too many phases for the Prince to be able to handle. Yeah the Prince is quick and agile, but an Army of the Dead is too much for most to survive.
2) Ezio vs. 10) Jack Cayman
Cayman enters with his chainsaw blazing as Ezio stands back smirking. Ezio’s agility wins out as his short sword attacks much faster then a chainsaw.
Nintendo Region – Round 2
1) Sephiroth vs. 9) Scorpion
Scorpion is able to get a harpoon into Sephiroth but isn’t expecting Sephiroth’s sword to impale straight through his heart on the rebound.
5) Polterguy vs. 13) Willie DeWitt
Willie DeWitt’s energy gun takes so long to charge up that Polterguy can evade the shots. Polteruy then possesses Willie’s gun, causing Willie to flee the scene frightened.
6) TowJam vs. 3) Meta Knight
Meta Knight slides into action with his sword cocked and ready for action. Before ToeJam can get his Funk-Vac warmed back up, Meta Knight has sliced through two of his legs and one arm.
10) Daxter vs. 2) Kirby
Kirby begins by inhaling Daxter’s gun and becoming a gun himself. Daxter’s quick thinking has him grabbing the Kirby-gun and firing off all the bullets. Daxter then beats Kirby senseless once he turns back into regular form.
Microsoft Region – Round 2
1) 1 Night Elf Boomkin vs. 9) Football Zombie
Knowing Football Zombies move quickly, the Boomkin throws an Entangling Roots on him to prevent movement. Then he unloads on the zombie with Wraths until he collapses.
5) Gattling Pea vs. 4) Earthworm Jim
This match is just a battle between pea shooters. Fortunately for Jim, his shoots a more consistent stream of bullets and therefore he emerges victorious.
6) Worms vs. 3) Professor Layton
Having defeated the Magnet Shroom, the Worms have retrieved their weapons. Since they’re only worms, their attacks do very little against a grown human. Layton conjures up a puzzle about worms and traps them inside forever.
7) Tarren Ghost vs. 2) Cactuar
Tarren Ghost uses her cloak ability to sneak up on Cactuar. However she still is no match for his 10,000 needles attack and succumbs to the battle.
PC Region – Second Round
1) Mega Man vs. 8) Trevor Belmont
Having never faced a robot-boy before, Trevor is clueless on how to go after Mega Man. Before he could choose a technique, Mega Man had already knocked him out of the tournament.
5) The Lich King vs. 4) Link
The Lich King under estimates Link’s small size and decides to go easy on him. This mistake gives Link the upper hand and allows him to escape with a slight victory.
6) UFO vs. 3) Bahamut
Both aerial experts with very powerful attacks, Bahamut gets the advantage because of his massive size and moves to the next round convincingly.
10) TVR Cerbera 12 Speed vs. 2) Diablo
Cerbera’s blazing fast speed means very little when Diablo lights a fire under his hood and seizes up his engine. Diablo cruises into the next round.
Round of 16
1) Cloud vs. 4) Luigi
With Luigi’s out of power-ups and his vacuum clogged with Katamari parts, his only offensive is to jump on Cloud’s head. This action is comical to Cloud so he allows Luigi to continue for a few moments before lopping his head off.
6) The Black Knight vs. 2) Ezio
Ezio can fend off an army of attacking guards so he had little trouble blocking, dodging and countering all of the Black Knight’s shots through all three phases.
1) Sephiroth vs. 5) Polterguy
Sephiroth laughs in the face of Polterguy because he is unarmed. What Polterguy doesn’t know is Sephiroth has seen far scarier things then a possessed toaster. Sephiroth has to chase Polterguy around for a little while before he’s able to impale him with the same sword that took out Scorpion.
3) Meta Knight vs. 10) Daxter
Daxter moseys onto the battlefield knowing luck has been on his side in the first few rounds. Meta Knight however allows him to die with dignity by making his death quick and mostly painless.
1) Night Elf Boomkin vs. 4) Earthworm Jim
Jim, being an earthworm, is immune to nature damage, which the Boomkin doesn’t realize until it’s too late. Before the Boomkin knows it, Jim has worn him down with head whips and pea shooter shots.
3) Professor Layton vs. 2) Cactuar
Cactuar’s 10,000 Needles on cool down, so Professor Layton sees and opportunity to advance. He presents a puzzle to Cactuar but Cactuar is a cactus so he doesn’t have a mind that can be blown by a confusing puzzle. Cactuar escapes with a slim victory.
1) Mega Man vs. 4) Link
Link starts out by blocking some of Mega Man’s shots. Mega Man evades all of Links attacks too. In the end, Mega Man’s gun wins over Link’s sword.
3) Bahamut vs. 2) Diablo
Bahamut begins by flipping around in the sky, twirling, twisting, bending and generally making a big scene. Diablo just waits and enjoys the show. Once Bahamut begins to charge up his energy beam, Diablo hurls a fire ball the size of Rhode Island into Bahamut causing him to fall from the sky like a meteor.
Round of 8
1) Cloud vs.2) Ezio
Ezio arrives to battle ready to go. Cloud does the same, loaded with material and with his best gear equipped. Ezio begins with a long sword, but cannot get past Cloud’s parries and dodges. Cloud then attacks with magic, which Ezio isn’t expecting and take him down to half health forcing him to switch to a smaller weapon. Ezio is able to get a few good shots on Cloud but ultimately loses a very close battle.
1) Sephiroth vs. 3) Meta Knight
Now this match is what the tournament is all about; Two very skilled swordsmen in an all-or-nothing death match. The battle wages on, going back and forth, much like the sword-fighting scene in The Princess Bride. Meta Knight emerges as the proverbial “Man in Black” with his victory.
4) Earthworm Jim vs. 2) Cactuar
Earthworm Jim and Cactuar is another entertaining match-up. Each of them are living things that wouldn’t ever be seen fighting in the real world. This cute but deadly battle is eventually won by Earthworm Jim.
1) Mega Man vs. 2) Diablo
Mega Man starts by equipping Ice-Slasher thinking it will work well against the lord of the underworld. Unfortunately for Mega Man, no ice is cold enough to survive the inferno surrounding Diablo. With the Ice-Slasher present, Mega Man is even more vulnerable to Diablo’s Fiery attacks. Diablo wins with the assist going to Ice Man.
1) Cloud vs. 3) Meta Knight
Two Sephiroth slayers face off in a match that decides who will make it to the championship, both of these competitors made it to the final four last year. Cloud is the defending champ and Meta Knight lost to Mega Man in this round. This turns into a one sided bout since Cloud saved his Omnislash limit-break until now.
4) Earthworm Jim vs. 2) Diablo
Both newcomers to the Final Four, Jim and Diablo plan to strut their stuff in this match. Jim pulls out all the stops; head whips, blaster power-ups and cow launchers, but none of which really seem to phase Diablo. Diablo is on a mission this year and will not be taken down easily. Diablo prevails and punches his ticket to the finals.
1) Cloud vs. 2) Diablo
Cloud enters, still a bit sluggish from the Meta Knight match. Meanwhile, Diablo is already in the arena, waiting on Cloud to get this thing underway. Cloud comes prepared with his fire resist accessories donned and icy material attached to his weapon. Diablo is always ready, no matter who or what he is facing. Cloud starts off by casting a magic barrier on himself and rushing towards Diablo, attacking with every ounce of his strength. Diablo takes the shots with ease but appears physically drained from the abuse. While Cloud takes a moment to collect himself, Diablo casts multiple fire walls around him, out of which a number of demons emerge to attack Cloud. As Cloud fends them off, Diablo collects himself and plans his next attack. Once Cloud is done mowing through all the demons, Diablo appears and thrusts a trident through Cloud’s heart, becoming the Champion of the 2010 Video Game March Madness.